nighteyes' personal LJ

It's not like I thought I was over it, not at all, but until yesterday and today I thought I had... made some progress, at least. But today it hit me again like a two-by-four, the sick feeling that makes me want to hide under my bed covers until the day I die, and not to talk to absolutely anyone ever again, or at least not to look anybody in the eye. It creates this hollow feeling in the general vicinity of your stomach, and gives you a lump in your throat and the tears caused by this feeling burn the most. It's also called 'shame'.

I've always had a healthy amount of respect for myself. To lose 99 percent of it all of a sudden is not a laughing matter. Once again, I'm not kidding. I don't think I ever will joke about this, or laugh about it; if not maybe in twenty years from now, at the earliest. I also know no one is interested in listening to my crying over this heartbreak anymore; I don't exactly ask it of anyone, because I know it's in human nature not to have the strength to care to listen to someone else going on about one issue for ages.

Again, thank God for LJ. A place in which I can write whatever I wish, and thus relieve some of the ridiculously colossal feeling of shame and self-disgust I carry inside of me. I've never in my life resented myself this much before. I've also never in my life exercised this much; and there is what you can call cause-and-effect. I totally acknowledge the fact that I torment myself physically only because of the futile hope that it will make me feel a bit better about the failure that is me. The pain in my back and all of my muscles provides me with the ability to try and assure myself that I'm not all that I've tried my best not to be and have feared the most that I'll turn out to be: a weak, worthless, lazy coward.

I'm also simultaneously in the middle of the mother of all identity crises. I failed at a thing I sought to do because of a part of my personality that defines a hell of a great deal of me - what to do now? I can't think of myself as a strong person anymore; I tell you I've tried, but I am simply not capable. Hell, I've had dreams in which I've been sitting in the middle of a dark room (I've had these dark room dreams before, by the way, as long as I can remember; loads of different things happen in there) in a spotlight and one random person close to me's been cirling around the chair I sit on and been telling me in detail and length what a quitter I am. Sick, innit?

I feel even less worthy than the most unworthy person I have ever met. I feel even less of a tough person than the weakest, most thin-skinned and sensitive person I know. There are times when I can't look Dad or Grandpa or Ukki in the eye. There are times when I would like to tell some funny story from my army times in a suitable situation, but don't, because I didn't finish my service; I quitted, so I have no right to. Or that's what it feels like. It makes me sick to feel this worthless; to feel this freaking WEAK. Weak is the very last adjective I'd ever wish to be described with - something I've pretty much always sought not to be.

I am seriously messed up.




- M.

Up until yesterday I thought I was Quite The Loser.

I mean, firstly, and most importantly, I had Quit Military Service. Ouch, you know. Self-loathing. Depression. Angst. Longing. Self-esteem pretty much zero, if not less. Secondly, I Still Hadn't Got Myself A Goddamned Job. Fail, Miia, fail (I mean, yeah, well, I've been looking for one for two weeks or something along the lines so it's not quite that much of a failure yet, I'd guess, but still). Thirdly, I realized I'm 'losing' two-thirds of my closest personal relations, aka friends. 'Losing' here stands for not-hearing-quite-that-much-about-them-than-I-used-to and not-knowing-what's-up-with-them-for-most-of-the-time plus not-living-even-relatively-close-to-them-anymore. So, obviously, I was Quite The Loser, wasn't I.

Not to say that I don't think I am one at this very moment, but yesterday, I experienced a brief moment of self-pride the first time since leaving the Brigade 2+ weeks ago. Because yesterday I was not only very much of use at home, but also realized I wasn't a complete weakling as regards the physical state of things, and might get myself a job sooner or later. I cleaned up, I washed the dishes, I made dinner, I bicycled all the way to the gym and back, I got a reply to my inquiry on whether my au pair application had successfully arrived, which said that yes, it had indeed, and that they had taken a liking to me, and I saw Viivi, and the weather was fine. Yeah, sure, that's pretty much my average day, but what made the difference was that I just simply had so much energy that depression didn't fit into the picture. And it felt great. It sounds awfully clichéd, and it is, but I kind of... remembered who I am. Or who I'm supposed to be. Who I've been; somewhat silly, short-tempered, reckless at times, never turning down a dare, at times idiotic, with a good sense of humour. And, if you ask Mum - who is, I've to admit, very pragmatic - also absent-minded most of the time, but creative, and also pretty down-to-earth, regardless of what some people might say, and usually also very, very straightforward. I kind of like, recognized myself again.

And I laughed quite a lot yesterday. Funny - or not - but whenever I was at home for the weekend when I still was in the army, people kept telling me to laugh, because it was freaky that I didn't - providing that I'm supposed to laugh at every turn, normally. And I myself didn't even notice that I wasn't doing it. Mental, eh.

Anyway, it's not like I've yet come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a soldier, and possibly never will be again. I sure as hell haven't, and I found myself on the brink of tears when I received a wonderful letter from the girls a few days back, and... well. It's stupid, really. One can't change back time. One can't undo one's mistakes, if they are the kind that cannot be undone (don't even start with the idiotism of that sentence). I've made my bed, and I've got to lie in it, whether I'd prefer or not (and I wouldn't). So there.

Oh, and I made a decision. I'm applying to the Police College next summer. Providing I've gathered 10 months of work experience by August next year. I'm working on it.

It feels good to have goals again, after the losing the biggest goal I ever had. Oh, I just remembered what someone (can't remember who it was?) said to me when they heard about my future plans of study. It was, "So you wanna be a police officer? You do realize there aren't many more dangerous jobs out there, don't you?"

And what do you think I replied?

"That's exactly the reason, mate."




- M.

An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change

The world closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers?
- Scorpions / Wind of Change.


Right.

I'm not at all sure where to start. Or where I'm likely to end this entry. Or whether I'll ever make it that far, or just quit and shut the whole freaking machine down, and just... go do what I've done the last three days. That would consist of ignoring the stupid dull ache in my chest and burying it in meaningless, trivial stuff, like watching TV and driving aimlessly from place to place and playing PC games with Ville. Except that I can't do too much of the latter, because all of the games include guns and fighting and guns remind me... and then the stupid dull ache grows worse and the day is ruined.

You see, I've failed. There's no sense in trying to, y'know, cover it up or try to phrase it so that it'd sound nicer. It cannot sound any better. I've gone, I've messed up, and I've failed. Not the way I'd have thought, but yet I'm a failure and an idiot and I'll regret it until the day I die, and I'm certain that I pretty damn fucking straight will, I'm not exaggerating, thank you very much.

Shortly, I'm a civilian once again. In defence of myself I've got to point out that not - not - because any sort of a limit would've been reached, no. Not because I couldn't take it. Not because I broke or anything. But because, well, I screwed everything up for myself and, well, like in most cases when you're dealing with the Defence Forces, what's done is done and there's no turning back and 'we're sorry, but this is what you've been ordered to do, it's not our pain in the ass.' So, I was assigned to a task I seriously didn't want; a driver's job, 362 days. No fucking way, no way in hell.

Honestly, there were multiple reasons for this. Firstly, I wanted a corporal's insignia on my collar, thank you kindly, and that's something I wouldn't have got, were I to become a pitiful driver (and I would've still had to serve 362 days all the same! I mean, all NCOs serve 12 months, but at least they get something out of it, unlike the drivers). Secondly, let me tell you what is the best thing, above everything else, in the army. It is the team spirit, the not-leaving-you-behind atmosphere. And that's something that the drivers don't have among themselves. Thirdly, all of the friends I made will go to AUK, or somewhere; I had absolutely no friends at all in the 81 guys that were to become drivers, and was not likely to make any, because they all hated what they'd been told to do (much like myself) and couldn't have cared less. Moreover, a driver's job is not that of a real soldier's. They're not soldiers, not in the sense that everybody else is; all they do is drive, fix the vehicles, sit classes and sleep. Wearing uniforms, so that they look like soldiers, when in reality they're everything but. When real guys go on marches like 30k or 50k in full gear, or camp in middle of nowhere in the woods for a week, no chance of a shower or proper food, the drivers lazy about and nap back in the comfortable safety of their beds. After three days of lying about and trying to figure out something to kill the time with, and watching my dear friends come back from exhaustive training sweaty and dead tired, and feeling bad and unworthy because all I had done was sleep in class, eat, and sleep some more, I decided it wasn't worth it. It wasn't what I wanted to do; well, yeah, I knew from the start a driver's job was the last thing I wanted, and fell into quite a depression when I found my name on that list, but that was when I made the final decision that damn me if I would throw away my only chance of military service, completing it serving as a driver.

So I made what was easily the toughest decision I've made in my life, and came home. Swallowing tears all the way from 2nd Signals Company's Room No 16 to Kajaani's railway station (4k), and as depressed as ever, and disappointed, and angry. I left private Katila my playing cards, private Pirskanen my red Colt lighter (everyone kept asking me why I bought it, since I don't smoke; well, it's highly more useful when trying to light a fire on a rainy day than a box of matches!), private Kärnä my Compeeds, private Seppälä all the candy I had left (I'd snatched so much from her at that point that it was only fair), private Heikkinen my painkillers and private Tanskanen my blousing garters (quite worn already, but they had sentimental value - and anyway, people keep misplacing them all the time, so she'll be needing them sooner or later).

Anyway, it feels like... like grieving a lost friend, or a little more distant family member, or something. No, I take that back - it feels precisely like what it is: grieving a dream lost. A dream I'd had since I was fourteen or so. And it feels so bad it's almost ridiculous. I know it may seem a bit weird - or, a lot weird - to anyone and everyone that doesn't understand what it is that fascinates me about the whole thing, or the reasons why I went, but the grief because of a dream gone wrong and lost is something everyone can get, I'm positive.

The angst is especially bad in the evenings. I miss the girls terribly; I miss the guys almost as much; I miss all the awesome corporals we had, and some of the officers, and my narrow, squeaky bed, and my SAKO rifle, the model year 1986 (number 806033 - I'm sure I'll remember those six numbers for a loooong time to come) and my stupid boots that didn't fit and waking up at 5.45 and being all exhausted and drained and pissed off 24/7. I just miss everything.

I'm going out with Viivi and some other dudes tomorrow night, to get some fresh air. And possibly get pissed. And then... unfold... and be generally unbearable. She'll probably regret having me sleep over quite a lot.

Anyway, good night. I'll update about everything else that's been and is going on, later. When I have time. (How laughable is that? 'When I have time', when all that I have right now is... time! Oh, it's the bitterness talking, ignore me, please...)

Oh, fuck, I'm swallowing tears right now. Damn it all to hell, damn it all to fucking hell.

Christ.



Love, and such,



- M.


Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms.
- Dire Straits / Brothers In Arms.

I have never, never been this afraid before in my entire life.

It's like, up to this morning I have known for at least three years why I want to do this. And right now - none of it left. I have no idea why I want to do this. I mean, I know I know, really, but right at the moment all of my motivation and those well-thought reasons why I want to go have gone and disappeared. It's awful. I haven't even had any appetite today, and I even - it's ridiculous - I even cried a bit when I said good-bye to Salla earlier tonight.

Wish me luck, because I'll be needing it. And I'm not even kidding, not the smallest bit. I am fucking terrified, I am scared to death (and considering how immensely hard it is for me to admit that I'm afraid of something...). I think I'm going to die.

Think about it, in 24 hours' time... no, I don't even want to think about it.

My train leaves at 10 AM.

Oh, my God.


- M.

Not having a particularly nice evening, I've to say. Been thinking too much once again. Thinking's mostly a pain in the arse, it is.

Plus, I'm increasingly nervous. Suppose none of you has to ask why. When it's additionally one of those, these days quite rare, nights when my philosophical side takes over, it's not a pretty sight.

Firstly, I've yet again had to make myself clear on the matter of why, in fact, am I going to the army.

Well, let's get one thing straight at least. No matter what Lempi or some other old clueless hag or some flimsy superficial semi-friend thinks, I'm not going to Kajaani to, like, show off or get fit or get myself a goddamn man. (Or a woman, for that matter - some seem to be doing that, as well.) I'm going there because, well, sure, I want to see where my limits really are, and I'm sure it will be a most educational and hardening experience and help me grow as a person, but also because it's simply a way to give my contribution. Oh, granted, people keep saying that there's no war coming on or anything like that, but mostly, those are the same people that - in my most honest opinion (which I, thankfully, can freely proclaim in here), quite naïvely - think that the (Finnish) army's one and only sole purpose is to teach people how to kill other people. Because, honestly.

Firstly, (semi-)compulsory military service is Finland's only reasonable form of accomplishing national defence - like numerous people more knowledgeable on the matter than myself have said, a mercenary army is not an option for us. Secondly, it's not even near like the army didn't teach anything else than how to kill. Like, what about enduring hard stuff and getting something of a backbone, and knowing something in general about technical stuff, and learning teamwork and multi-tasking, and yes I guess learning some general stuff about weapons as well? I'm ready to leave all guns be and become a peace hippie the moment Lennon's imaginary world comes and everyone else on the planet haven't got any ammo either. Before that happens, I'll be glad to know as much about warfare and protecting what is dear to me as does anyone that's a potential threath to those. So there. Call me a militarist and a brute and a patriot. I am not much any of those; or, maybe as much of the last as the next person.

Not to digress... So, better yet are the people who appeal to my conscience on the matter; "under the imaginary circumstance that a war was to break out, how can you go and actually kill another human being? How can you do it?" First I simply answer, "with my Rk 62, of course," but the serious answer I usually give goes somewhat like this. Naturally I have yet to shoot an actual gun, not to mention getting myself in a situation where I would potentially have to harm someone with it - and heaven forbid I hope I never have to find myself in a spot like that - but I've got a philosophy about it. What I usually say to the people who point out the (far-fetched) prospect of actually having to kill another person - "and think about his (possible) wife and kids, too!" - is this. The reason why I suppose I could take someone's life - and get traumatised, guilty, and damaged as a result - is because that way I'd prevent them from taking the lives of my brothers-in-arms, and their wives and children, and probably the lives of other people I, and the inquirer love in the home front, as well. Put that way, it seems damn fair to me, at least.

Where another problem enter is that I did a political orientation test online. The result was as expected, but it made me think even more than I already had. My head actually hurts... not from the thinking (:D), I suppose, though, but from the... dunno... getting bothered about stuff and all. Because, arrgh. It's the very usual and clichéd "where is this world coming to?" issue. Because where is it coming to, really! It all interlaced with my military musings, and I ended up actually questioning myself: Why do I want go further than most of my gender and age to protect a country that is led by people that I didn't vote for, and that is going toward a direction almost entirely contrary to the direction I would want it to go? Because it is a damn good question. And it's not even the first time the thought has crossed my mind. This is one more reason why I think I was born in the wrong time, but let's not go into that now, or else this will turn out the craziest post since the beginning of time, or LJ.

Well the answer is quite obvious, and I already answered this question earlier, really. I may not like the political state we're in. I may present the almost exactly opposite political opinion than the people that run this country (or run it for the remaining time until 2011). But well, it's not like I'm only going to be trained to protect the right-wing Finns, is it. I love this country, and the citizens of Finland are my people, rightists or no. At the times when I feel like this country's gone all conservative and being led by fucking right wing extremists and overly rich fucks that have too much money and only pursue to keep as much of it as they can to themselves and to the devil with those poor whiners, I ask myself that if such a situation was to arise that someone threathened this country - including, naturally, them as well - what would I do? And I answer myself that I would go to war for them as well, because it is the right thing to do. You can't serve a country and be selective about its citizens. So, it isn't a problem, really, but... one has to have something to muse about, no?

Phew, what a rant. But I had to get it out of my system or else I'd very soon have done all sorts of nasty things.

Aside from the problems inside my head, there have been other problems outside it that have affected my evening negatively. Like poor Mum. Guess I already mentioned we're doing a mother-daughter trip to southern Finland next week. While in Turku we're going to visit a gentleman - some kind of -path or other - of Grandda's acquaintance, who may be able to do something about Mum's lower back. It's been really bad for the last two weeks - again - to the point that she can't sit nearly at all or stand for longer periods of time. It's really heart-wrenching - so much so that I actually, one late night in the solitude of my bed first cried for at least half an hour, and then actually prayed for her. Me. Yes. And I'm honest. Even more so because Mum's near the strongest person I know, and consequently doesn't complain much about it, even though each of us can see how much in pain she is. She even has a job where she has to mostly stand on her feet, for God's sake. And she absolutely hates to feel incompetent - which makes this all that much more unfair, and awful. The only time I've seen her cry in the space of the last year or so was a week ago when she had to ask me to help her put her plate in the dishwasher, because she couldn't bend, and then she surprised and shocked me by weeping a bit because she felt so useless, having to ask help. It was a dreadful day.

So I seriously hope she'll get some help from Turku. Because if she doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. Probably go into pieces. She doesn't want anyone's pity, but I'm not that good at masking mine; mostly I try to, and then let it all out in the blessed solitude of my bed in the darkness, when everyone else sleeps.

Okay, so. Man was this one in-depth post. Hopefully you're all very well. Continue to take care. I'll update once or twice before D-day; see you.



Love,



- M.

I remember December 16, last year. Doing the right thing has never been as painful before. But the reason why I look back to that day today though, is not what happened (or what didn't), but the fact that looking back now I notice that almost nothing about me or my life has changed - and it scares me.

Yes, okay, my issues regarding the future weren't this acute back then, nor was I quite this stressed, and yeah, I naturally didn't have the memories of the things that have happened to me this year. But the thing is - nothing fundamental has changed. This is ridiculous, really, because under normal circumstances, I am very skeptical about change of any kind; being the certain sort of traditional person I am (just 'certain sort of', for some traditions really suck, and tradition for the sake of tradition is to be considered suspicious at best). But, honestly, I guess this is a part of the huge growing up issue I have. I don't necessarily desire to become an adult -> but it's inevitable -> OKAY, so I can't help growing up, let's grow up then -> nothing HAPPENS, so that means I fail! See where this leads (don't worry if you didn't get it, people often have difficulties following my train of thought)? How can it be that nothing remarkable has happened to me or taken place in my life in the space of a friggin' YEAR?!

I can recall having achieved this year:

a) I finally made up my mind about the army and whether to join or not,
b) I became of age,
c) I got my driver's license,
d) I earned some money working,
e) I matured a little,
and that's pretty much it! Pathetic, huh? I never... like, made any new good friends, started dating, fell for anyone, at least not hard (well okay, I neither fell out of crush, so that balances it), got a freaking, I don't know, car or something, or made a trip abroad or threw a big party (threw small ones though...) or published anything or... just anything in general! No one took me anywhere, I won nothing (card games or such don't count), no one fell in love with me, I didn't learn anything new (school stuff doesn't count), I never met anyone famous... I could go on like this forever.

And all around me, people are finding each other and, like, getting married and God forbid almost having babies already (okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration...), or moving to live on their own or deciding where to study and what they want to become and... and yes, goddammit, I'm afraid I'll be left alone and without any plans or not able to achieve them, and no one will care to keep in touch with me and, just, one day they'll find themselves in a nice house with white window frames, surrounded by their spouse and kids and dog and they'll grab some old photo album and only just remember the name of the odd blonde girl next to them in some picture. By no means will they remember who she actually was or what became of her, certainly not.

Yeah. It's tough to one day, completely out of the blue, glimpse how fleeting life is. It's happened to me several times.

And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
~ Kelly Clarkson, 'Because of You'

Good night,

love,



- M.

But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
~ Seal, 'Kiss From A Rose'

I wish it snowed. Snow makes it all a hell of a lot prettier. And it'd be cold, and crisp, and beautiful.

So the German matriculation examination was okay. I know I didn't terribly mess it up, but neither was it a great success. Well, whatever it turns out to be, it surely was a relief to get that burden off me. One less thing to stress about, one less concern, one less fuc*ing reason to worry and fuss and fret.

Yes, I'm in a wonderful mood tonight, does it show? (Note the sarcasm, please, do.)

Well anyway, there's still the thing with my lower back. It deters me from almost any kind of sport, aside from swimming, but that can be done only on weekends. Er, how absolutely fantastic? Really now, if this was a movie (and what a ridiculous movie my life would make - although, I'm sure it would be a blockbuster after all, because the movie would boost everyone else's ego; they could be like, 'right, what a sorry excuse for a human being, glad things are somewhat okay for me') I wouldn't even go see it.

Speaking of which, we are going to movies tomorrow night, I and Aino and Anna and Piia, to see Käsky. I'm glad Emppu's not coming, because it would only lead to the Finnish Civil War number two; History course four was quite enough, thank you loads. Not that I didn't love Emppu, she's a friend, but it's just that... yeah. I'm tired, and cranky, and get stupid hysterical giggling/crying attacks at times, I'm not in a mood to discuss politics, and to what else would it lead to watch a movie like Käsky with her, tell me?

I don't quite know what's wrong with me tonight. Or, it's only that I do, and a bit too well; it's just that, if I explained, no one would get it. I don't get it myself, when I think about it. I'd just need someone that would have the capacity to understand, and those people are few - none to grab right now, because it's only me and my folks, and Ville's leaving in a minute anyway, and Mum and Dad are watching some movie. A hellish circle. It's not fear, nor loneliness, or lovelorn-i-ness, or even pure angst. It's... weird. And what does a desperate eighteen-year-old do? Pours out her heart to her LJ. How pathetic can I get? The answer is, I'm afraid, very.

Emma's expression describes it all rather thoroughly really! Referring to my icon, of course.

It'll be a pointless, blank entry, I'm sorry. Just felt the need of posting, and when I did, I suddenly had nothing to say.

Well... what about a very sweet line by Kevin Walker, from Brothers & Sisters season two.

"And... marry me. I mean it, I don't want to wait. I wanna make this official. - - I am completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate, because you make me feel like I don’t have to be anyone other than who I am, and to me that feels like family, and that’s what I want us to be. I want us to be a family because that never ends. Scotty, I am asking you, will you please marry me?”

Of course he said yes, who wouldn't have. And some people - 'real' or not - are meant to be; others not, and Kevin and Scotty are.

Guten Nacht, sleep tight, take care, my love, and all that,



- M.

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
Does he know you're talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don't think she has a clue.

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words just makes me weak.

And I
Never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel.
~ Hinder, 'Lips Of An Angel'

... because that's what's playing right now.

( meme edit )